I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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