please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
