P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
