Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
