were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
My cat gives me a boner
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
