god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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