Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
is wine microwaveable?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
