i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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