he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
