I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm passing your future prison.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
