Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
