I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
