your room smells of hookers.
And success
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
