my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
