I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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