dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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