then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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