based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
