so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Randomize
