I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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