if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Terrible idea I love it
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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