Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
