cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
