note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
