either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
