I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
