Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
