I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
