he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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