Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
