I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
