i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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