i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
