It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
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