You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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