i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
