My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
