He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
