how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You took a bar mat shot.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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