i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
We left the knife in your bed.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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