yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize