My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize