Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
