She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
