Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Randomize
