Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
