So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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