You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
