Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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