genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
