Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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