that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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