: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize