textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
