Heybabeimwearingurpanties
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
