when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
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