I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
