Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
operation have a gay friend backfired
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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