the condom got lost in my hair
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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