i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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