eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
